Gentlemen’s Club by The Morbitorium

  • April 21, 2016
  • Bobert Brush
Specimen #: 010 Oil Name: Gentlemen’s Club Beard Oil Supplier: The Morbitorium Sample Size: 5ml Origin: Wales
Carrier Oils: Grape Seed (Cedar & Citrus, Peppermint)   Hemp (Tea Tree and Pine, Hippy Daze)  
Essential Oils: Cedarwood, Lime (Cedar and Citrus)   Peppermint (Peppermint)  

Project scorecard

Buy now "A curious product that could possibly be used as gift for somebody with a fixation on the morbid and obscure."

Opening Comments

morbitorium logoThe Morbitorium is a specialist oddity and curio shop, based in the country of Wales.

They specialise in taxidermy classes and all manner of other off-beat offerings, such as shruken heads, zombie jerkie and Oiija boards!

I was therefore very excited to stumble across their purveyance of small, hand-made bottles of beard oil, which they call their “Gentlemen’s Club” range. I thought to myself: this could be the best beard oil – the holy grail – I have been searching for! Hidden away in the most obscure of places, like a hidden jewel. Or so I thought.

Read on to find out what happened to me as I rigorously put this specimen through it’s paces.


The lingerability of this specimen was on the lower end of the scale. I found that the aroma did not persist past 26 minutes, which is just a little less than the standard benchmark of 30 minutes.

49% Average


When testing emanation with the emanation meter (and after a double salt water nostril cleanse), this specimen performed relatively well. We recorded a benchmark average reading of 1 foot.

Average strength concoction.

50% Average

Emotional Response

Note: I am reviewing 4 of The Morbitorium’s range here. Emotional Response is the only criteria that is graded individually between the products.

Hippy Daze

As I applied the oil, I was struck with an overwhelming sense of being suffocated in a omnipresent bale of hay and straw. I felt mildly like Dick Whittington strolling along the grassy highway on my way to London, surrounded by a spectrum of brown and decaying gorse.

This could be an excellent beard oil if you love the sensation of rolling around in hay.

40% Just Patchouli 


Upon applying the product I was imbued with the essence of chewed peppermint sweets. Visions of old ladies chewing sticky, chewy, white circular sugar balls covered in well masticated and unhealthy saliva began to plague my soul.

The perfect gift for a loved one with with a fetish for peppermint scented saliva.

42% Bad Mint 

Cedar and Citrus

Upon applying, I felt within 7 seconds as if I had been transported to a public toilet cubicle in an undetermined yet undeniably malign location. The cubicle was unclean and festering with years of public dirt. An underpaid and potentially evil public servant had recently tried with little effort to disinfect the place with a concoction of public funded and brightly colored citrus scented chemicals.

This effect lasted no more than 15 seconds and I was back to baseline, left only with mildly unpleasant lime tones permeating my nostrils.

Potentially a good option if you hanker after nothing more than a citrus scented disinfectant.

35% Disgusting


After taking a big right hand to the chin in the first round, The Gentlemen’s Club started to pick itself up off the canvas and fight back in the greasiness test.

I can’t make any complaints about greasiness with this oil.

We are talking a hemp oil base (for Hippy Daze and Tea Tree & Pine) and a grapeseed base (for Cedar & Citrus and Peppermint). Both oils well regarded for their absorption properties.

The formal test came in well, with the product completing the glass substrate race within 26 seconds – compared to a baseline of 30.

85% Stellar

Hair Impact

Continuing it’s gallant comeback, the Gentlemen’s Club did a decent enough job of conditioning my beard hair.

The hair was reasonably conditioned yet still rather course compared to the effect of some of the other specimens I have graded.

Good enough.

75% Decent enough

Skin Impact

I used the Hippy Daze to apply to the skin around my beard and monitored the sink time. The oil was not especially well absorbed, taking 29 minutes to fully sink in.

The skin was reasonably soft afterwards.

I can’t complain.

50% Average


A 30ml vial of this product will set you back £11.

This equates to a cost per ml of £0.37.

Based on my analysis of 57 specimens, the average market cost per ml of beard oil produced in the UK is £0.41 per ml

The price of the Gentlemen’s Club beard oil is therefore just under the market average, representing decent value for money.

Therefore, I award:

60% Cheaper than average


So, overall, based on the weighted factoring of all criteria, The Gentlemen’s Club beard oil by The Morbitorium scores:


A curious product that could possibly be used as a gift for somebody with a fixation on the morbid and obscure.

Bobert Brush

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